A Booger of a Homily

October 8, 2008 at 2:31 pm (Uncategorized) (, )

I have no idea what was up at mass. Apparently, every Catholic parent in the Archdiocese of Mobile Alabama had picked that day to swing through the McDonalds Drive thru and feed their children cappuccinos with double espresso shots, corn syrup on the side. They were insane.

The liturgy of the word went as well as could be expected, considering that small aliens (also known as toddlers) were running up and down the aisles like a relay. Poor Fr. B lost his place a dozen times. Ok, that’s not all that unusual. I have no idea how old he is, and I do love him dearly, bless his heart, but he can get a little turned around.

It was also Pet Blessing Day. We had considered taking our cat, Pita, but figured our liability insurance wouldn’t cover all the injuries. The noise from the parking lot, when it could be heard over the wailing of small children, must have been something like what Noah endured on the ark.

And dear Sister Peggy, bless HER heart, does like ever so much for things to go according to plan. The woman has never had a hair out of place or a smudge on her glasses.

And the wails of the children grew louder. Fr. B got more confused. The animals were milling about outside two by two. Every time a child screamed, Sister Peggy’s spine just got straighter. By the beginning of the Eucharist, you could have used her for a level.

The two children in front of me were, by this time, engaged in a full on fist fight in the pew. Now, I won’t go into what my mother would have done had *I* behaved like that in church. Or anywhere. But yes, mayhem. The oldest had her hands on the younger sister’s face, the reaction being not unexpected–screaming. Ninth circle of hell screaming. Fr. B bravely went on with the Blessing of the Gifts.

Their father tried to separate them, only to have the oldest scream “BUT DADDY, SHE HAS A BOOGER!” It echoed off the rafters. The dogs outside stopped barking. Fr. B looked shocked.

I did not look at Sr. Peggy. I DARE not.

Mass was ended. Go in peace. If at all possible, that is.


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